Excuse Me, Do I Know You From Somewhere On The Internet?
By Kemp Baldwin
Excuse me. Hi. I never approach women at bars, but do I know you from somewhere? You look so familiar.
Come on, where do I know you from? Seriously, this isn’t just a cheesy pick-up line. I feel I’ve seen you so many times before.
Wait, are you on Okcupid.com? The dating site? Yes! You’re the girl with labradoodle with three legs, right? She’s so cute. Poor pup’s got a cross to bear.
That’s not you? Really? I swear I won’t tell anyone.
No? Okay, my mistake.
* * *
Pardon me again, but I think I’ve got it.
Honestly, I can’t believe I didn’t figure this out the instant I saw you. I’d know those beautiful blue eyes anywhere. You’re on Match.com. Eternallyblue2?
You’re kidding me? I would have sworn…
Right, your eyes are green. Sorry, I’ll leave you alone now.
* * *
I was wrong. It was e-Harmony. We were matched for compatibility. You’re from Hoboken, love Thai kickboxing, have a pet rat, and consider yourself a foodie. Why didn’t we ever go out? I mean I love rats and Hoboken.
Get out! You’re pulling my leg? That has to be you.
Hold on, you hate rats? But their piercing red eyes are like, so comforting… Jeez, well, now I’m just embarrassed. Enjoy your meal.
* * *
Boom! There it is!
Thank you for bending over to grab your fork. Clearly, I needed a hint. Luckily, your cleavage is burned into my memory. Adultfrienderfinder.com, am I right? You’re Bouncemybust_69! I always felt this primal connection to you but was too nervous to send you a message because, well, bondage frightens me a tad bit. But clearly, you don’t always wear leather and chains. I’m so glad we finally met in person. You really have a beautiful smile without the ball gag.
Oh, throwing water in my face, that’s kinky. Two can play at that game…
Shit that hurt. There’s no need to slap me. It was just an honest mistake.
Okay, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I’m going.
* * *
Umm, why are you following me? It really was just an honest mistake and I apologized. It’s not cool to stalk…
Oh, you live right next door to me. Well now, that explains why you look so familiar…
Hey, so are you on facebook?